Infertility Ghost

Written: December 31st, 2018

This time last year I was a shell of a human lost in the darkness of my infertility diagnosis.
I was someone hiding behind her smile.
I was someone who hid in the dark corners and cried from feelings of loss, unworthiness and guilt.
Someone who in all honesty, didn't know if she would make it out of the darkness alive.

2018 brought on some of the worst news that derailed our path to parenthood. But, alone with it, it also brought perspective, love and a deeper understanding of our marriage and myself.
It brought me to finding myself again even through the mess of it all. Teaching me along that way that I had unseen strengths I never knew were within in.

It has taught me so much about myself, my marriage and what's really important in life. It's also taught me that it's OK to not be OK.
It taught me that it's OK to cry, to hurt and to scream.
It's OK to have really bad days and get lost once in a while as you will always find your way back.

Most importantly this year has taught me that healing isn't an easy process and that I needed to take a step back and allow myself to heal. I learned you can't always be happy but you can be brave.

So here I am today at the end of 2018 and so grateful for this past year.
Thankful that despite all the hardships and the bad news that I am still here alive and breathing.

I am so thankful to 2018 for all it's lessons, the laughter, the tears and the Adventures. Thankful for my supportive husband, for our friends and family members and for all those I've met along the way.

I'm not sure what 2019 has in store for me but I am excited for the next chapter.
I'm going into 2019 with an love, and open heart and a feeling of peace.

Happy New Year.