Our Infertility Diagnosis

Written: December 1st, 2017

The holiday season is a time of joy, laughter and the gathering of family and friends. It's a time to be thankful for all that you have and will receive in the coming year.
Yet in the year of 2017 in between all those wonderful things I was a mess of sadness, tears and anger as I grappled with the reality that I may never be able to have children of my own. 

As the doctor slid the test results over and gently explained my diagnosis, I sat in stunned silence surrounded by the feeling of utter isolation.
Here I sat at 32 years old and my eggs were all but gone. Depleted. Vanished.
I felt betrayed and in that moment as if my mind and body were in two different times. I sat there still as the feeling of guilt settled into my bones as if we were old friends and yet my mind raced with questions.

My husband Christian and I had been married for 10 wonderful filled years. However, we were determined together to wait until we were a hundred percent ready to have children. We bought a house, paid off all of our debt and had amazing adventures and travels all over the world.

Then at 32 and him 36 we finally were ready to start a family. Yet as soon as those dreams came up, they came crashing down around us.

Infertility is a loss.
It's the loss of a dream.
A loss of an assumed future.
I've always wanted to be a mom. It was in my plans for the future and I believed that I had a choice as to when I would make that happen.
I believed that all I would have to do is decide.

But, that's not how it happens for everyone and that's not how it was happening to me.
Infertility is an all encompassing feeling that isn't easy to understand unless you've experienced it.
I can't properly explain the feelings of loss, sadness, anger and guilt. The feelings of grappling with your faith and wondering if you're somehow being punished or abandoned by God.
The feelings of being so naive to think that it would just happen when we were ready.
I can't explain the feeling of the loss of a child that never existed. Never getting to know their eye color or what attributes they would have ultimately inherited from either of us and never getting to see whom they would become.

All these things we had dreamed and talked about over the years were now going to be something we had to grieve and slowly comes to terms with so that we could begin to heal and move towards continuing our dreams of becoming parents or remaining childfree.