Infertility Warrior: Pandora

Q: Tell us a little about your infertility journey.
About 6 years ago I found a lump in my husband’s testicles and we instantly thought the worst. We booked an appointment with a specialist and they confirmed it wasn’t cancer and we were extremely relieved. It turned out to be a varicocele, which is a cluster of veins in the testicles that produce heat. The doctor told us it was nothing to worry about and if it wasn’t causing any pain that it should be okay. The sonographer that did the ultrasound however did say ‘some men struggle with conception when they have a varicocele’. We didn’t think much of it at the time, we though the doctor said its fine and carried on with life.
We had our dream wedding on August 19th in Bali and were on cloud nine, we had been trying to start a family in the lead up to the wedding but got very serious with ovulation tests and timing after the wedding. We started to think why isn’t this happening and my husband kept thinking back to what the sonographer had said. His doubts got the better of him and we ordered an ‘at home sperm test’ online. We did the test and it confirmed our fears. The results read sperm count abnormal. We went to a specialist for another test and then another and all confirmed that my husband’s sperm count was extremely low and his motility was also very low. That is when they suggested IVF to us.

We booked in straight away and met our Fertility Doctor. He did further tests and said our best chance would be to do ICSI where they inject the sperm straight into the egg for fertilization. We started IVF in January 2020 and were hopeful it might just work the first time. I started injecting myself with stimulants every day and let me just say that was the easy part. We went in for egg collection surgery and I woke up to a number twelve written on my hand and smiled. The days after the clinic contacted me with updates on our embryos and how they were doing. We started with twelve and by transfer day I had 4 healthy embryos. Every phone call my heart stopped beating and I would shake waiting for the news.
We transferred our ‘best quality’ embryo on the 8th of February and were filled with excitement and nerves. The days after waiting to test were a blur. I felt so tired from all the injections and surgery and anxiety of the whole process I think I was just lost in it all. Then came test day. It was the day after valentines and I decided I couldn’t wait for the blood test so I did a home pregnancy test and all I can say is we were overjoyed. We were so happy that it had worked for us first time round. I felt so lucky. I couldn’t stop smiling every day. I would touch my tummy and smile. My husband would speak to my tummy every night and tell our baby how much he loved them. Everything was perfect. Then the bleeding started.
I started bleeding first at work the day of my blood test. The clinic said some bleeding is normal so I tried to stay calm but I wasn’t I knew something bad was happening. Then a week later I had a lot of blood and ended up in hospital. They told me they couldn’t confirm miscarriage and to keep getting blood work. My hormones kept increasing and we remained hopeful.
Then it was time for my first scan at 7 weeks. This day I will remember forever. My worst day to date. The doctor saying ‘this is not good’ replays over and over in my mind and the nurse looking at me like oh you poor thing. Then the doctor saying ‘I’m so sorry but I think you have had a miscarriage’. I cried for hours that day. My husband held me in his arms while I sobbed in bed for hours and hours.
The next day the doctor called and said my hormones were still increasing and he wanted to do another ultrasound to rule out ectopic pregnancy. He booked me in for the following day.
I didn’t get that far.. I woke up in the middle of the night in utter agony. I was a heap on the floor screaming and crying out for my husband to call an ambulance. Once the paramedics arrived they gave me morphine so that I could get to the hospital and actually move. I was in the hospital for 14 hours before they confirmed it was an ectopic pregnancy and my left fallopian tube had ruptured. My abdomen was full of blood and I was rushed in for emergency surgery.
Here we are 6 weeks later still recovering and still trying. We are ready to start IVF again and look to the future. We will be amazing parents and we will never give up trying for our baby.

Q: What has been the hardest part?
Suffering my ectopic pregnancy was definitely the hardest part of my journey and knowing I had a little healthy baby inside me that had just got lost (a lot like mum) and I would have to remove the baby to save my own life. I also lost my tube that day which has made me feel like I lost part of my fertility. I now know that I had a 1% chance of an ectopic pregnancy doing IVF. I really find it hard to believe I was that unlucky and that this really happened to me. But we stand strong and we fight for a better tomorrow.

Q: What has been the best part?
Getting that positive pregnancy test. I had taken so many in the past all negative. It was the first time I saw those beautiful two lines. Even though it didn’t result in our baby being born, I will remember that smile on my husband’s face for the rest of my life.

Q: Where are you now on this journey?
Waiting to start IVF again and go ahead with a frozen embryo transfer.

Q: What is one thing people kept/keep saying or asking during your journey you wish they wouldn’t have?
When can you do it again?
Why don’t you just adopt?
Why don’t you use such an such’s sperm?
It was probably not a good time to be pregnant anyway.
And the rest..

Q: Anything you have learned that you would like to pass along?
IVF is really really hard on your mental health. Prepare yourself mentally for a ride and a half. Join Instagram even on an anonymous page. There is so much support online, you will need it!

Q: Anyone or anything that has inspired you along your journey?
Every single Instagram follower I have. They show me that we can get through anything. Without them I would be in a much darker place right now.

Q: Any resources or other accounts you would like to share that you found helpful during or after your journey?
@ivf.diaries.dogmom @my_ivf_journey_infertility @mylifeof_love @kings_journey_to_ivf and so many more
I also follow some IVF Groups on facebook and ectopic support groups. I have found Instagram the most helpful by far.

Q: Where can people find out more about you? (Instagram, Facebook)

This story was submitted to The Infertility Chronicles.
Submit your own story, by emailing us at
Do you know someone who could benefit from this story? Please SHARE on Facebook and Instagram with your friends and family.